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Observations, Social Anthropology, Mirth, Mayhem, & Much More
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Monday 4-10
Torrential rains are come to Chicago, which would be much cooler if I didn't have to commute to work...I wanna ride my bike. It's been a pleasure tooling about on the bargain Schwinn. Freedom.
98% finished with the Leather Archives and Museum article for Windy City Times. Actually the tour of the museum was a joy. History is a major excitement thing for me. I was a historian and an ace reporter at the same time. Ahhh. It made me feel I was helping serve the memories of those ghosts a bit. You can feel them there...in everywhere and in everything. So many unsettled ghosts in the wake of HIV. The article itself felt good to do. Very focussed and then complete. Much less plodding through the grey areas of work work work than with a longer piece or a novel. Also infinitely more gratifying than the cookie-cutter interviews.
The tendonitis seminar was nice too. Just a bit of education to break up the monotony. Back to work today, but I return at least partially refreshed. And I return to a paycheck in my inbox...always an added perk.
Sunday 4-6-08
Life continues and it seems so much freer with an open stretch before me. 4 days til my Spa return. Ahhh. Monday I am taking a Tendonitis seminar.
Finshing up touches on Ultimate Starz but getting pictures from some of these guys is like pulling teeth. It seems it would be less of a hassle just to get me off your back!
Last night Hank came over and we all 3 watched The Year of the Dog (by the School of Rock guy) which was an interesting take on the closeness we have with pets (yes, mine is unnatural - to many) and our love of animals in general.
Life needs passion and a goal - I do thank God every day (not really - but I suppose I should) that I am healthy and that I am not droning it away in a cubicle. That said, I also see there's a lot more to bodywork out there than sloughing skin. I am trying to improve my skills since education is a sure way for me to ignite the spark of my job. Tendonitis Monday and next weekend it's an Ayurvedic Head Massage seminar. However, bodywork will never be my passion - that's writing. Bodywork is a means to an end.
Today I am going to do some writing. Wanna work on the memoir tweaking that some which means I need to learn to edit Adobe Reader since they freak out whenever I bringing it to Kinkos/Fed Ex to get it printed and bound and I've edited a Word file. Also I need to get some things done regarding the article on The Leather Archives and Museum which is set to coincide with 30 year anniversary of International Mr. Leather. My main objective in that regard today is to go tour the museum so that should be interesting.
Saturday 4-5-08
Busyness and fatigue are a bit overwhelming at present. Massage has just taken(s) such a toll. The drain, the energy vampirism, the giving, it all sounds a bit hokey -but unless you've done it (or something similar) it's a tough concept to explain. Reiki master Billie Tope Tate(who gave me my certificate) tells me that I should be taking a bath every night in salt water to cleanse my aura of all the random energies I pick up during the day. It's a tough task nightly, but perhaps worth it. Interesting that something so simple as salt has so many mystical and mythical and medicinal ties to it. And there's all the writing as well. Gratifying, but exhausting - I am doing a feature for WCT now on The Leather Archives and Museum which is fun, working on the memoir, and doing the fnishing touches on Ultimate STarz so at the end of the work day all it seems I have the energy to do is crawl into bed and watch (gasp!) 'Murder She Wrote'. I am excited to be biking to work again. It feels so freeing to just hope on the Schwinn and GO. That's another energetic cleansing - at least for me.
Monday 3-24
The eve of my B-day. Yesterday Carl asked me why I had stopped doing my blog and it wasn't as intentional as it seems. It seemed more a huge flourish and indulgence, a "who am I?" to blog...kind of an embarrassing revealing of the ego, and a sizeable ego at that. It does have some merit - maybe not for many, but for me. If anything it helps recognize ruts, it helps give perspective, all that stuff - provided I go back and read it.
The thing about turning 48 is that everything suddenly seems so much more important. I comprehend the swift passage of time - what a sobering consideration. Crucial starts to creep into so many thoughts. Life passes so quickly. This has less to do with happiness and more to do with fulfillment. As an "artist" (I cringe to call myself that with such a sparse resume) this can be doubly difficult. Life brings so many distractions and so many decisions and hard choices are everywhere. I wish the answers were obvious, but they never are. This would be nice and fulfilling/this may get me more where I want to go, they need me/I need this, this will be a memory/this will add to a legacy. It's all a big mind fuck. I feel torn so often - if I do one thing I feel guilty and the other brings resentment.
We do what we do. Life is a journey and maybe that's where it gets confusing. I want definites. I want perfection and clean lines in my life. If that happens it's so fleeting and rare. Acceptance is such a tough concept to ummm, accept. Ah life. Reincarnation has to do be so - this is just too much of a learning experience for it all to be lost.
Thursday 3-12
Hmmm. Hard to describe mood/feeling of late. Unsure and shuffling about without a real passion. I got my Reiki degree. I then had a class in Ethics the following Friday...as bodyworkers we have to have a certain number of continuing educaton credits and a certain number need to be in ethics...so at least that requirement has been fulfilled. I completed 10 of those mini-bios for the Chicago GLBT history project. It's weird, maybe seeing all those made me wonder what my bio would turn out to be like? What have been my accomplishments and what will be my legacy? How am I using my talents and abilities? I like the notion of using myself up entirely. Now I just need a bit of motivation to do it. Sloth has become such second nature. I want to do more. I want to push myself and do new things. I just feel sometimes like I am rotting and it is so true that a body at rest is tough to get in motion again. Blah.
Wednesday 2-27
Life feels like a bit of a seesaw...or I should saw life as filtered through me. The new surge of writing different things has envigorated me. It has allowed me to rediscover my love...and it ain't massage. I am an excellent therapist and I love so many aspects of bodywork, but it doesn't do the cliche and "make my heart soar". That said, this Sunday I have my final Reiki class so I will be at Level 3. Very cool. Carl is revamping bits of this site soon - that excites me. Lasik surgery is coming - that excites me. Doing taxes yesterday (with a headache already brewing) annoyed and eventually enraged me. Primarily because as the taxes were being prepared I kept hearing all this rules that made no sense except to benefit the rich and destroy the middle class. Annoying. Work is nil. Still, all in all that is more plusses than minus'...and that may be all you can hope for in life.
Sunday 2-24
This has been a week in which lots of things became evident. First off I started doing these min-bios for notable gays and lesbians with a Chicago connection. This is for a Windy City Times project. It's been fun - 2-3 pages and the lives of all these people I've interviewed and who are (or were) just amazing -- Chuck Renslow, Scott McPherson, Robert Ford, Joan Jett Blakk, and Samuel Steward thusfar. It's inspiring work and makes me think I want to do more "contributive journalism". On a different note I also got the mock-up cover for ULTIMATE STARZ. I'll post it on the STARZ page of this site. Also Carl & I had our pics taken for the Chicago GLBT project. And work - what can be said - morale is down, mutiny is in the air, and most importantly it's easy for the first time to see it as a job - something to contribute to someone else's dream and not my own. The drama is unsettling and at the same time exciting. I'm amazed at how circumstance, position, & power can change people. Ethics are often issues of red and black, profit and loss, and the coldness of those decisions can be inhuman. Sad state of affairs. Life is Dallas meets Upton Sinclair's The Jungle. Norma Rae visits Falcon Crest Day Spa. Weird. Again, writing (the other interest) has been my salvation. There is a pleasure in giving less - workwise -the loosening of one's belt after swallowing too much for too long. This overachiever can take my shoes off and sigh and tip my hat to that big old karmic circle. It ain't pretty, but it does draw much into it's whirl. Apologies for all the vagueries - but specifics have been glossed over for obvious reasons.
Sunday 2-17
This morning the rain sounds so odd. I'm used to the hush of snow. The composition of so many things is changing. This feels like the cocooning phase of things. Ready to be/become some enhanced version of myself...someone who does - who doesn't need a protective shell - who isn't motivated by fear. Yesterday I called in sick to work. Spent all day at home, watching TV, evaluating life, writing, reading a bit, being part of the dog pack. Sloth but with an air of preparing.
I talked to a friend of mine on the phone who is serving a prison sentence of 18 months. He's been in for 9 of those and is doing okay. He's trying to make the most of the situation, but he said there are so many humiliations. They can't shit in private, there is no personal space, he's called Faggot a lot but so far has avoided any sort of physical abuse. He's scared though. He's dreaming of the future and trying to make the best of the situation but he said mostly it's boring. It sounds like a severe version of what my life can become. I have freedom, but what's the point if it's hindered so fully by sloth and fear of looking stupid or fear of failure and a litany of other fears? I want more. I deserve more. Now I need to be hungry enough to go for more.
Saturday 2-16
Funny how bad things can turn into good. Odd how it all makes sense with time. For example, the glowing work review with lukewarm (show me the money) results - made me see that writing is my passion. Bodywork is a passion, but not bodywork for any specific company. The wakeup call gave me a necessary distance. Likewise a * out of **** review for MORE STARZ makes me see that perhaps a porn star franchise is a bit lazy for me. This comes at the same time I am wtiing the famous Chicagoan lives minibios for the WCT history project and there is a renaissance about putting many of my old interviews on line - so many great folks I've talked to Samuel Steward, Paul Monette, Quenin Crisp, Robert Ford, David Wojnarowicz, RuPaul, Harry Hay, Joan Nestle, Janis Ian, Scott McPherson, Camille Paglia, John Preston, and so many more - all those people stood/stand for something. They had cajones. It also makes me see where my interviews have disgressed to a certain level. (Boredom can be such a factor!) I knew the laziness is there regarding so many of the pieces...that's why the * hurt because I felt it was an accurate grading of my potential at times. Not to say I am a pessimist, but to say I need to do more fulfilling work. The STARZ franchise has become not quite so fulfilling I guess. Maybe it's just not my focus, though I am pleased that the third installment ULTIMATE STARZ is an improvement. It's at the publisher now and they are working on a cover for the catalogue. It's reached that stage where I am a bit numb from thinking about the project. It will come back around once I see the finished project. I am hugely excited about the memoir and the horror novel. Those need some focus right now. It's just me and the pups today. Carl is in KC.
Sunday 2-10-08
Slagger Blogger - a completely hideous phrase which accurately describes my lapse in writing. All is well. The rut is vanishing. Reiki has helped - now I'm Level 2. Last week I went to see my mom and was caught in the crazy 16" of snow in 36 hours storm...and drove back to Chicago (100 miles or so) in the middle of it in a Hyundai which weighed about 50 pounds. Frightening but also empowering and a serious rush. Thoughts of being snowbound at The Red Roof in were too terrifying to fancy. Creepy. So odd to see a parent suddenly much older. It's easy to ponder the math (when I was 15 they were my age) and see your future there. Not frightening so much as motivating...as in "get your things in order and do what you wanna do" message. Time is indeed finite - or rather you are...I am! Working on the faux memoir and some Chicago GLBT history things too. I've managed to lose a bit of weight - thanks Bob Greene and that "don't eat at least 2 hours before bedtime" really makes a difference. Oh God, speaking of excess flab - last week was my work review. Lunacy cloaked in flattery -- mind you my last review was two years ago - "you are so valuable, such an asset" blah blah and we appreciate that so much we're giving you a 3% cost of living raise (hey, didn't that go up 6-7%?). I had being perceived as that dumb. It opens my options and adds to the sense of flux...and tellingly it happened Thursday, the Chinese New Year - on the first day of the year of the Rat! I'm a Rat also...a survivor. A Metal Rat to be specific.
Tuesday 1-29-08
Things are picking up at an interesting rate. The doldrums have been spruced up a bit. I am incorporating the Reiki on a more measured level - level two happens this weekend. The added zing and focus that it brings to my treatments have definitely helped revitalize all that for me. I'm about to complete another draft of the memoir which is getting very good and that's such an exciting stage to suddenly find yourself. Still no agent news for Mel. The diet feels like it's starting to kick in which is such a nice feeling - something to show for the inconvenience - though I must say it's not been tough at all. Bob Greene's 'The Best Life Diet' is so doable - the main thing I've changed is not eating for at least 2 hours before bedtime. That's always been a killer for me. That HAS always been a killer for me I should say. ULTIMATE STARZ is moving onto the next level - formatting and getting a cover shot for the catalogue to booksellers - all that. I'm even being interviewed for a new book about Dana Plato which is weird/exciting. And I think I still have much of our crazy encounter(s) all on tape. Fitz gets his elbow x-rayed tomorrow. I guess the best way to deal with aging and all that is to streamline more of what it is you want and just focus more on that. Set the goals - raise the bar - challenge yourself and do it. So much of the focus on my life seems to coincide with my relationship with food. Hmm. It definitely ups my lazy level when i am gluttonous.
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This is FITZGERALD (FITZ) the new puppy in the household. Sweet and chubby and oh so chill.
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Sacrificing myself daily for your entertainment
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This is it - Our new abode.
Top floor on the left...
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A great old shot of my Mom.
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